Thursday, January 24, 2008

Pity Party

I have been fighting off some depression for the past month or so, while I am nowhere near the “bottom” I feel I have to give you my dear readers an explanation of why I have been gone for so long…and why I may not be back for a while:
I am not sure where my stitching blog fits into my life now, if at all. My husband last night commented that I seem to be going through my post partum depression, but it just took 6 months. May be it is because I have started the whole weaning thing. At least the 3 feedings during the day, but it is time, I am tired of pumping, and food is taking up a good portion of her diet now anyway. Maybe it is the season. Maybe it is due to lack of exercise (I have joined a gym , but only have time during the week for 2 visits). Or maybe it is just part of becoming a mom.
The holiday break seemed to point out all the flaws in this whole motherhood thing. I am trying to figure out how this new role fits in to my being. I have realized that I cannot fully relax or do anything else when A is in my presence, (even in another’s arms) I am always trying to guess what she will need next, a nap? milk? food? entertainment? And while she is somewhat predictable…what can I say?... I just know I can’t relax. With A here I have to reprioritize things in my life. Get rid of some hobbies, put other hobbies away for a while, and severely downsize the rest. While I *knew* this, I guess I never knew how much it would affect my mental state…I got (and still am) depressed about it.
I am stitching a bit, but it has become more of a chore. Every stitch seems to remind me of what I can’t do anymore. The little bit I am doing are gifts or exchanges, so I can’t show them to you yet. I keep thinking I should list goals for the year, but then I think what is the use of that, it will just remind me of what I can no longer do.
My mom says when you give birth you also give birth to guilt…I think I miss my old creative life, feel very guilty about it and am going through a mourning period.
Here lies Heather the stitcher/reader/scrapbooker/moviegoer/blogger? May she rest in peace
Long live Heather the mom


Margaret said...

Hey there. Thinking about you as you get all of this sorted out. I know it's rough. I went through it with the second kid especially. Figuring out just WHO AM I? Getting "my life" back now, and it's looking very different. Which is scary too! How to see you occasionally since I am not likely to be in NC very often. But you in NY? Hmmmmm.

Terri said...

The one and only piece of advice that my mother gave me uninvited in how to raise my child was "Do NOT let your child dictate what you want to do with your life." It was the best piece of advice anyone has ever given me.

I made him adjust to our lives. I didn't go around telling everyone to be quiet because the baby was sleeping, or to not do chores (like vacuum), or stop going to the places I liked to go to (bundled him up and wagged him along if it was a kid appropriate place) or stop cross stitching. He was just 10 days old when we took him Christmas shopping all day long abuot an hour away from where we lived! LOL

I did scale back but I never completely quit doing the things I had done pre-momhood. I didn't get to stitch as much as I had in the past, but I made it a point to do so frequently in small spurts.

Maybe your goals, if you still want them, should be small. One thread length, 15 minutes, etc. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but it will get easier. You're still so very new at this. {{{{{Heather}}}}}

Cathy said...

It very well may be late postpartum. Six months is not very long, and your hormones are still crazy. I'm sure it's a combination of things, but I had postpartum with Evie, and the onset didn't start until three months after she was born.

Everything changes when a child enters your life, no doubt about it. Give yourself time to grieve the loss of your old self and your old life. Also, give yourself time to adjust. A. will soon be a little more independent and you may find that you have a bit more time to pursue things that interest you without spending so much energy focusing on her.

I'll be thinking of you.

xsquared said...

(((hugs))) My best friend got hit with PPD around 7-8 months for each of her kids, so I don't think it is that unusual that you are going through it now. Not having any kids, I don't know much about PPD, but I do, sadly, know a lot about depression. Please e-mail me if you'd like to talk. And consider talking to your dr. if you haven't already. Medication helped me get over the worst of it until I could do other things to help me through.

saras said...

Hang in there Heather! Life gets really tough with a new one! :) Enjoy her while she's little...people always used to tell me that and it drove me nuts!:) Now that I have "old" kids, it makes a little more sense!

By all means, if you aren't feeling the greatest, go see your doctor! It will make a huge difference!

Abi said...

I will be thinking of you. *hugs*

Heidi said...

Its rough I know. I stopped stitching when my first one was born. It was too tiring trying to stitch even when she was sleeping, I was always cleaning every nook and cranny and running around like a chicken with my head cut off. But eventually I settled down and things went back to normal. So don't think of it as things you can no longer do, just think of it as things being put on hold for a bit. :)

XmaryX said...

Hugs to you! You are doing a wonderful, important job- something that is new, and its job description keeps changing as your baby grows. Terri gives good advice- your child must and will- fit into your life & routines, and I will also add the advice of "consistency" as well. Set a bedtime, and ritual (back rub, or reading, or prayers, etc) and stick to it. My daughter was still happily heading off to bed at 8 pm when she was 11 years old, because that was her bedtime, and it was and had never been,negotiable. This allowed me an hour or so of "me" time in the evenings.
You will eventually find time for your stitching. Maybe your husband can watch her for a spell so you can join a stitching group out of the home once a week? Try taking her for walks in her stroller, in the mall in bad weather, or sign her up for baby swimming lessons- that way you'll be exercising too.
It's a tough demanding job you've taken on, but the rewards are endless. Stick in there, see your doctor if necessary if the blues get too bad. We're all here for you!