Thursday, January 24, 2008

Pity Party

I have been fighting off some depression for the past month or so, while I am nowhere near the “bottom” I feel I have to give you my dear readers an explanation of why I have been gone for so long…and why I may not be back for a while:
I am not sure where my stitching blog fits into my life now, if at all. My husband last night commented that I seem to be going through my post partum depression, but it just took 6 months. May be it is because I have started the whole weaning thing. At least the 3 feedings during the day, but it is time, I am tired of pumping, and food is taking up a good portion of her diet now anyway. Maybe it is the season. Maybe it is due to lack of exercise (I have joined a gym , but only have time during the week for 2 visits). Or maybe it is just part of becoming a mom.
The holiday break seemed to point out all the flaws in this whole motherhood thing. I am trying to figure out how this new role fits in to my being. I have realized that I cannot fully relax or do anything else when A is in my presence, (even in another’s arms) I am always trying to guess what she will need next, a nap? milk? food? entertainment? And while she is somewhat predictable…what can I say?... I just know I can’t relax. With A here I have to reprioritize things in my life. Get rid of some hobbies, put other hobbies away for a while, and severely downsize the rest. While I *knew* this, I guess I never knew how much it would affect my mental state…I got (and still am) depressed about it.
I am stitching a bit, but it has become more of a chore. Every stitch seems to remind me of what I can’t do anymore. The little bit I am doing are gifts or exchanges, so I can’t show them to you yet. I keep thinking I should list goals for the year, but then I think what is the use of that, it will just remind me of what I can no longer do.
My mom says when you give birth you also give birth to guilt…I think I miss my old creative life, feel very guilty about it and am going through a mourning period.
Here lies Heather the stitcher/reader/scrapbooker/moviegoer/blogger? May she rest in peace
Long live Heather the mom